Keep It Together

There is no way I am going to skip another month to post on this blog. It has been lingering on my mind after the Nigerian elections. What prolonged it was the bitter tough pill I had to swallow, turning me into a stupefied lost being. When early this year a friend of mine died after battling with cancer. She left two young kids (same ages as my children) behind. I barely got over that.  Then another bomb struck me down, the sudden loss of a beloved family member, someone that was my father figure. It messed up my mental health, faith and belief. Since then I have been struggling to put my thoughts and words together.

My family and loved ones have been a big shoulder to lean on. Although I had to return the favor too, because it hit them hard as well. My three kings, if not for them I would have lost my mind to flee the depths of sorrow and slip into bad habits of escape. Instead of that I had to move like an eccedentesiast, because breaking down is not an option to surrender to.

I am trying to be as conscious on how I go about grieving, because there is no other choice. Anything else will have an immediate effect and impact on my family, especially my children. Life has to continue with me in it. One moment, I am laughing and dancing as if I am having the best life. The other minute, I feel like I just want to disappear and stay alone forever in a dark hole. Another second, I am eating every snack/food I can lay my hands on, when another day I am intermediate fasting. It’s like I am here, but I am not. Grieving is to hide the pain. To mute the heartache of words, love, hugs and thoughts that were planned to be shared, but never will again. The unspoken gratitudes and accolades for others to speak, hear and read, but not for the ears and eyes of the one(s) it is meant for.

If we knew how short our time is on this earth, will we be more conscious on how we spent it and with who? Or will we make the same mistakes over and over again to take for granted that we see each other the next day without saying: “I love you”, “Thank you for all you have done”, “I’m sorry”, or give  big hugs”. If we did that, would we still feel like a piece is ripped out of our hearts once a loved one is gone for good? Or will we be more comfortable  that we gave our love and extras with no limitations?

The manifestation of love and care for people can never be wrong. Simply because it is pure and how we feel about them. Then why do we not express it every single time we meet, since we don’t know when next is our turn to leave this earth?

Today, I allow myself to release my pain and sadness one step at a time to accept the reality of death. As well as allowing myself to express my feelings more with no boundaries to the people I love, because the present time is all we have. Not seeing, speaking or hearing from a loved one again is painful enough. Every moment should be cherished and utilized, just like a precious gift. With no place for words or thoughts as, “had I known, why didn’t I or I should have”, because that extra TLC was (always) there.

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