One thing in life that is certain, nobody is spared from death and everything that surrounds it. When a loved family member, friend or acquaintance departs too soon, there are many mixed feelings, like anger, sadness and even guilt for not saying or doing enough together. The arrangements for the wake-keeping and funeral is another heavy task to carry for the close relatives that are grieving, also in the Nigerian community.
First time I vividly experienced the death of a loved one and its burdens, was about 20 years ago. Dominic (R.I.P), my good friend was in his early thirties. In the prime of his life, before his unconscious body was found in an elevator in the Netherlands. He was murdered. I still remember where I was and what I was doing, when I got the news from my X-boy (then my boyfriend) that disliked him. I was in the kitchen cooking and chatting with my Surinamese friend. When X-boy slapped me in the face with the news. I remembered thinking X-boy was making a sick joke. Until he slapped me again by repeating the same lines over and over again. That is when I dropped everything.
Dominic was the kind of person I could talk hours with. He was a great listener. Always observing and calm. He was quiet, reserved but a warmhearted person. Sometimes I thought he wasn’t listening till he asked a clever question or shared a good point in between. We didn’t see each other for months; I was “too busy” with my studies and X-boy. In our last phone conversation; we planned to meet up. He had a girlfriend and wanted me to meet her. He sounded excited. I was happy for him. Not knowing that my heart would be in tears of pain and unbelief few days later.
Dominic’s wake was overcrowded. Some people had to stand outside of the hall. It was overwhelming to see so many Nigerians paying their last respects. Those that knew him and others that never met him. I didn’t stay long, because I couldn’t bear that some people were drinking, eating, laughing as if they were at a party. This kind of mentality is understandable when the old die of a long-fulfilled life, like my grandmother (R.I.P.) but not a young man that was robbed of his life. I could also see people I knew that detested Dominic, including X-boy, hanging in and around the premises. Which makes me wonder why people visit the dead if they disliked them alive? Do they want to show off that they were present or can donate money to return a lifeless body to Nigeria?
If I dislike a person when he/she is alive, I can’t start loving the person in death. I can empathize with the (sad) fact that the person is no more in the land of the living, but there is nothing that will make me to go to the wake or funeral. The dead can’t hear. If they could, I am sure they will remember the bad energy. They can’t forgive you or smile back in appreciation. It is too late! Speak to people when they are still breathing. Let them hear or see you when they are alive and kicking. Not when they are gone, that is wasted energy.
If Dominic was murdered in this era, it would be on social media and local TV. Pictures of him with loud cries of the evil that befell him would be on people’s feed. Posters of his obituary circulated in Nigerian shops. I sometimes wonder when I die how it will play out here. Will the people that dislike or never gave a shit about me come to watch how I am lying in a coffin? I can only hope that those people continue to pass me by and mind their business. Now with social media becoming a trend to celebrate people in death. Eye service might clear people’s conscious, but it’s meaningless for the deceased. Besides I think its disrespectful to the grieving relatives.
It makes more sense to share good energy and long epistles with someone alive than with a dead person in front of a public. Celebrate and create memories with the living. Even if they are far away. Spend time, even if it is short, it is worthwhile connecting with each other publicly or privately. Except if you dislike someone you are exempted from this whether that person is alive or dead.
What are your thoughts about wakes and funerals? What about people that go to funerals even if they disliked the deceased? Feel free to share any thoughts about this topic.
Images from:
Rebecca Peterson Hall – Unsplash ( featured image)
Marquise Kamanke – Unsplash
Mike Labrum – Unsplash
Aron Visuals – Unsplash
NOTE: last edited date only corrects or update layout, typos, images and grammar errors. The content of the post is not changed!
Super interesting piece Chi. I just lost my brother three weeks ago so what you wrote really spoke to me more than you will know. My brother wanted a certain amount of privacy to his funeral where only close friends and family were in attendance. He wanted people there that cared and made the effort to attend. More and more funerals of younger people in Ireland are non-religious and are more a coming together of a community to tell stories about the person and how they lived their lives. My family were very lucky to have great conversations with my brother before his death. And I know unfortunately not everyone gets that chance. But I loved this post. Thank you for sharing Chi. Sending good vibes and I am sure Dominic lives on in the memory just as the day he was on earth.
Hi Pat, thank you for sharing, this is so recent. So sorry to hear about your brother. My deepest condolences to you, your family and his loved ones.
Your comment really touched me in so many ways. I was doubting throughout the writing process. I started with this post early May and almost deleted it few days ago. It was an emotional roller coaster going back to the late nineties, but I am relieved now that I posted it.
Your family did a great job to listen to the wishes of your brother. It takes a certain courage to discuss these kind of matters that surrounds death, especially as a younger person. I think this topic should be added to random conversations with family and/or close friends, whether death is near or far.
I send you lots of strength and love. One thing good memories will never fade they stay forever in our hearts as we move in life. Take heart.
❤️ 🙏🏾