An Uneasy Trip to Memory Lane

“You want to interview ‘me’ on your show about racism?” I asked my one and only Greek sister, Kredo, she co-hosts the “Drum and Bass Break” live radio show every Sunday with Morty and TradeMarc on Salto Amsterdam.

“I am not a good (public) speaker or politician. Why do you want me to talk about matters that drain my energy level emotionally,” I asked my dear friend in my head?

I am not an activist. I am an emotional talker. I can’t properly deal and express how this virus of racism affects me. My remedy is writing not speaking on radio shows. What if I have a blackout while I am talking? Who wants to listen to that? Who cares? What will it change? My head was spinning with these questions like a broken record. It was an uneasy “mental trip” to memory lane with many doubts before I decided to put my thumbs up and go for it.

Hearing myself speak, I could tell I struggled the entire show to find the right words to express my thoughts and experiences. It’s weird re-listening to myself in an interview. Unlike writing, you can’t erase the “uhms” and wrong phrases. It’s LIVE radio, baby! Plus racism is not a pleasant subject to talk about. I did not speak to convince anyone on the impact of racism in our society. I was there to share some of my experiences and thoughts on my feelings about it as a Dutch Nigerian woman with children, and as a self-employed with experience in the music, cultural and art sector. On one hand, I am happy that people from different backgrounds and sectors are openly sharing their experiences. There is more awareness to the matter now more than ever. On the other hand, I feel so exhausted and hopeless about the low level of empathy and high apathy from mainly whites who justify and try to keep alive racist traditions and conducts. Also, the lack of representation in politics, schools, corporations and the media, reinforces what I repeated on the show “We still have a long way to go” to end racism, that is the truth.

No racist will tell you they are racist even when they say, “Go back to your country and eat bananas in a tree”. Racism in the Netherlands is more of a “subtle” and “funny” joke “thing”. Sometimes hard to decipher whether we are talking about racism or rudeness, because it is so deep engraved in the way of communicating, especially in this part of the world, where history about slavery and colonization were not taught in schools as a bad thing. At least not in my time.  So, its no surprise that many Dutch people don’t know what racism means.

Merriam-Webster dictionary gives simple definitions of racism:

1: A belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

2a: A doctrine or political program based on the assumption of racism and designed to execute its principles.

2b: A political or social system founded on racism.

3: Racial prejudice or discrimination

From top to bottom in all structures of our society and institutions racism is reflected. Racism can be subconscious as well as deliberate. Being non-black and having black friends, colleagues, a partner or even children does not (automatically) exclude you from being a racist.

At the work front I experienced only white and non- blacks practicing ‘subconscious’ racism. For example, I often brought several ideas on the table for projects. When these concepts were disregarded I thought it had to do with low budgets or logistics. Then another white person in the team suggests the exact same idea and straight away its implemented. As if your employer never heard of your proposal before. Another example would be that an employer takes up your idea, tweaks it a bit here and there, and voilà, it is now his or hers without giving any credit back to you.

Or a “so called” advocate of “black culture ” who includes one black colleague to the team not because of the skills and qualities the colleague obtains. No to “show off” diversity practice of the company. In the meantime that good energy is sucked up.  Turning you slowly into a passive addition in the group. Completely faded to the background leaving you with weakened positions and a low self esteem behind. Unfortunately, I have seen this too.

We all have a part to play in the fight against racism and inequality. There is no in between in racism. We have to be honest to ourselves. The only person you have to convince that you are not racist is you. Is not too late to change your ways un-learn those engraved habits, re-learn to see others as your equals and re-educate how to fight against racism. This also applies for people that suffer from racism: know how best to fight against this killer virus without harming yourself mentally.

That said, I don’t have all the answers, but I do have my part to play, avoiding it won’t make it disappear in society. Your voice, my voice is important. Now that I am embracing my voice again by writing, I believe that with time I can also do the same with speaking out more unapologetic. Sharing part of my story on the radio, even though I struggled from the beginning to the end, was my first baby step towards that direction.  To be honest that wasn’t tooooo bad as I anticipated.

Here, you can listen back to the Drum and Bass Break radio show, with the great hosts Kredo, Morty, TradeMarc and me as their guest addressing “Black Lives Matter”.

Images from:

Kredo and Chi in Athens, Greece

Unsplash by Clay Banks

Unsplash by Mwangi Gatheca

Drum and Bass.NL

I am curious about your views. Share your thoughts in the comment section in English or Dutch.